Something in the Way; He Moves

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Home sweet home!

I owe a lot to the porn industry. When I first took the plunge back in August of 2011, it was definitely a stretch. I’d always been kind of reserved; porn was something I never would have considered. When the guys at Titan contacted me, I thought about it for weeks. It would definitely be going out on a limb, but I’d come to understand that “out on a limb” is exactly where the fruit is; every time I’d tried something outside my comfort zone I’d been richly rewarded. So I decided to give it a try. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m learning new things about myself every day; it’s been a great self-esteem builder and an amazing opportunity for expression and sexual growth. I’ve never felt so confident and connected. I’ve met some amazing people and made lots of new friends. But when I started, little did I know that my foray into this new and exciting world would bring me the greatest reward of all.

When Dirk and I met while working the Titan booth at the 2011 Folsom Street Fair, our connection was immediate and strong. When we got together in Houston a few weeks later, our suspicions were confirmed: This could be something great. Since then we’ve been engaged in an extended game of transcontinental ping pong. Every three weeks or so (on average) one of us would board a Southwest (or, god help us, Spirit Airlines) jet bound for Chicago-slash-Boston, or we would rendezvous in such metropolises as Baltimore, Orlando, Denver, San Francisco, Kansas City, Washington, Columbus, and Fort Lauderdale. We love being together, but the incessant travel — not to mention the cost of all those flights — has really been getting in the way. There have been many, many nights when all we’ve wanted is to hold each other, but we’re 800 miles apart. There’s even a certain hallway in Logan Airport’s Terminal E that we call the “sad corridor” because it’s where we’ve always had to say goodbye. But not anymore. After a year and a half, we’ve decided to take the next step.

We’re moving in together.

Memorial Day will be Dirk’s last weekend in Chicago. We’re gonna hit a few of the events at IML (Dirk will be doing bondage demonstrations for Bound Jocks at the Mr. S booth on Friday and Saturday, and we’re gonna attend the Grabbys), then on Monday we’re loading all his stuff into a truck and driving to Boston. Driving home.

Our street

My Our street in Boston

I’m a little nervous. Okay, that’s an understatement… I’m actually scared shitless. I’ve never lived with a partner before; everyone I’ve ever dated has had his own place. Dirk and I are both confident that we’ll be okay, though. My three-bedroom house (the one in the pictures) will give us plenty of room to spread out. The master bedroom is huge, plus we’re converting one of the spare bedrooms into an office so Dirk can have space to work (he “daylights” as a composer). Another thing we have going for us is that we lived together in Boston for the entire month of June last year and managed not to kill each other.

Some of you may be reading this and thinking, “Oh look, another porn couple… I wonder how long it’ll take until they self-destruct.” To those people, I’d like to say that I believe Dirk and I have a better-than-industry-average chance of survival… and here’s why. Physically, he’s the stuff of fantasy, to be sure. But corporeal beauty eventually fades; as Dirk once said in an interview for Grab magazine, “it isn’t what’s going to sustain your love for the guy when you’re together at 75.” He’s so much more than a walking wet dream, though… he’s whip-smart, creative, passionate, loving, generous, devoted… not to mention confident and sexy as all hell. He’s everything I could have ever wished for in a partner. And, for whatever reason, he seems to see a lot of good stuff in me too. We complement each other so amazingly well in so many ways; it’s a true partnership. When I look at Dirk, I know — don’t ask me how, because I can’t really explain it — that we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. He knows it too. The elements are in place to sustain us until we’re 75, 80, 85… and beyond.

The last eighteen months haven’t always been easy. Like most people, we mostly share only the good stuff on our blogs and on Facebook… but in reality, we’ve faced (and worked through) plenty of challenges just like all couples do. This is certainly going to be a big adjustment for us; we’re both pretty stubborn people and we’re used to being on our own, so we’re expecting a few bumps along the way. But we love each other… and we’ve been apart for long enough. This feels so right. And we know in our hearts that we’re going to thrive.

As long as he remembers to put the toilet seat down.

Update: Several people have asked me why Dirk’s moving to Boston instead of me moving to Chicago. There are a few reasons, actually. We both have New England roots: I’ve lived in Boston my entire life and he grew up in Maine. Both of our families are here. I own my house (a 1200 sq. foot 3-bedroom in a nice suburb) and have an awesome job at an amazing company with great benefits; Dirk’s a freelance musician and can work just about anywhere, plus he gets to be on my health insurance as my domestic partner. While we both love Chicago — we have lots of friends there and we’ll definitely be back to visit — it simply made more sense for him to move here.

By the way, he’s bringing his dungeon bed with him, and we’re planning to film plenty of new home movies in my (much bigger) master bedroom… and all over the house…. so stay tuned……

Extra Firm reviewed in Bay Area Reporter

Extra FirmI’m very excited (and incredibly proud!) to share with you that the new TitanMen film Extra Firm received a wonderfully positive review in the Bay Area Reporter today! I’m especially thrilled with what columnist John F. Karr (in his column Karrnal Knowledge) wrote about my hubby Dirk Caber:

Extra Firm does have one truly stand-out scene, with Dirk Caber (husky dude with husky cock) and Jesse Jackman (towering wall of furry muscle). Other performers should watch and emulate them. Sure, they’re lovers in real life, but their attitude of playful raunch and their attention to pleasuring their partner are how porn stars should be striving to act.

Rarely a celebration of gay sex, most porn seems almost a refutation of it. But Caber and Jackman deliver — their lasciviousness is alert. And don’t say I’m just a Pollyanna for a bit of romance. Caber presents the same qualities when inflicting some hearty BDSM on his partners in a couple of [Titan lead director Paul] Wilde’s Rough movies. It’s all in the intention. Directors should strive to elicit this sort of informed performance from their players. How much deeper the indecencies could go!

You can read the full review here, and watch Extra Firm in its entirety here.

And Mr. Karr, if you happen to be reading this…. thank you. 😀

Shadow Fucking

There’s something about this clip that I find incredibly hot. It’s only 14 seconds long, and it suffers from “vertical video syndrome,” but I don’t care. The audio is amazing, and the shadows drive my imagination crazy. It’s like there’s something going on just around the corner that would make my head explode. Fucking awesome!

Maybe part of it is that I recognize that sexy shadow (and congratulations to my Facebook fans Angel R. and Mikel S. for guessing correctly): It’s my hubby Dirk Caber — looking as incredible as ever, even in silhouette — topping Will Swagger (who provides most of the head-exploding audio) in their scene from Titan’s Pumped, Pissed, and Pounded. Check out a free preview below, then watch the whole 38 minute scene right now in streaming HD, only from Titan. (You won’t find it anywhere else!)

In addition to watching Dirk and Will’s scene in its entirety, you’ll get access to over 5000 other full scenes when you sign up for instant, unlimited Titan access for as little as $14.95 a month.

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Road Trip

My hot husband Dirk drove with Titan director Jasun Mark and newly-minted Titan Man Scott Hunter from LA to SF last week, and… this happened. OMG.

The song, by the way, is “Timebomb” by Kylie Minogue. You can watch the official video here.

The Bear Mais interview (English version)

The other day, the Brazilian magazine Bear Mais published an article called “Alegrias, Dramas, e Sucessos dos Atores Pornôs” (“The Joys, Dramas, and Successes of Porn Stars”) that features interviews with me, Ale Tedesco, Matteo Valentine, and Jeff Stronger. Here’s the English version of my interview; the full article translation (with all four interviews) is coming soon to the Bear Mais website. “Obrigado pela leitura!” (Thanks for reading!)

When did you begin your career in porn?

I started working in porn in the summer of 2011. I had never even thought about doing it, but then I met Hunter Marx and his partner Ethan Anders — both Titan models — over the summer and they were such good guys (and the sex was so good) that I decided it could be fun to try. When Titan Jackman 05contacted me a month later to see if I wanted to film with them, I thought about it for a couple of weeks, decided it was worth trying, and agreed. Three weeks later I was in San Francisco filming my first scene for a film called Surveillance… and by complete coincidence, my scene partner was Hunter Marx! It was a lot of fun. after we’d finished filming, Titan offered me an exclusive contract, which I accepted. I’ve been having the time of my life ever since!

Did you have a problem when your family discovered your profession? Do you have a good relationship with them?

Last year, my mother found out that I make porn. She accidentally saw my bank account statement with a deposit from Titan Media, wondered what it was, and googled it… and I was on the front page of Titan’s website. She kept it to herself for several months before we finally talked about it, but when we finally did talk, she was great. She had been upset at first, but then she read my blog and saw my Facebook page and realized that working in porn had made me so happy. She not a huge fan of the idea, but she’s been incredibly supportive. (If you want to read the whole story of how she found out, check out my blog post at I’m also happy to say that my family has expanded as a result of my porn work. Shortly after I started working with Titan, I met my partner Dirk Caber, a fellow actor who has worked with Titan, COLT, and many other studios. We both Jackman 01worked at the Titan booth at the Folsom Street Fair in 2011 and have been together ever since. We’ve even filmed two Titan scenes together! He’s a truly amazing man, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. To read the whole story of how we met, check out

Many people wonder about what it’s like to be in porn. What do you think about this line of work?

I’m very passionate about making porn, as I am about most things in life. When you watch one of my scenes, everything you see is real; my reactions are genuine, the passion intense, and the connection sincere. When I connect with my scene partner, I lose myself in the experience, and simply focus on the pleasure and the intensity of the moment. If it looks like I’m really into the scene, it’s because I am. For me, making porn is a powerful and positive form of sexual self-expression. I use to be sort of reserved, but the films have really built my sexual confidence and encouraged me to open up and try new things. And Titan’s studio is a safe environment to try new things with established experts. I first tried watersports on the set of Surveillance, for example. Also, I never thought I’d like electro play, but when I was first introduced to it in the Titan Rough film Loud and Nasty, I actually really enjoyed it. I even bought a violet wand and have been using it at home.

Jackman 02Many people think that all porn stars are escorts. Is that true? What is the difference?

Very few porn actors work in the industry full-time. The average porn “career” lasts about two years, and most of us have other jobs. Some porn actors also work as escorts, but there are plenty of other occupations: I know corporate executives, health professionals, dancers, personal trainers, store managers, and even a meteorologist who also works in porn. The point is that it’s very difficult to get enough work to make a living exclusively as an porn actor. Escorting is a perfectly reasonable way to support oneself outside of the industry, but the important thing to keep in mind is that it’s not the only way. We’re not all escorts.

How do you get a hard-on when the director and production assistants are watching you?

I really get turned on by connection. When I work with a scene partner I like, and I’m genuinely attracted to them, it’s easy to get and stay excited about having sex with him… even if there are lots of people watching. And so far I’ve really liked everyone I’ve worked with. Titan’s stable of porn stars are HOT and have all been very easy to connect with, so staying hard is easy.

Is your relationship with the producers always friendly, or do uncomfortable situations occur?

I’ve only worked with Titan, of course, but everyone at the studio has been so professional and so respectful; they truly are a pleasure to work with. First and foremost, the guys want to make sure that the performers are comfortable. I’ve never been asked to do anything that I feel uncomfortable doing. And my interaction with the staff is great; they’re serious about making the best product they possibly can, but they also have a lot of fun doing it. Titan is like a big family… one which, as a Titan exclusive, I’m honored and proud to be a part of.

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